Have you ever sat in a meeting and felt frustrated that nothing actually got accomplished ? And then sat in the inevitable follow-up meeting to try to do what was supposed to have been done in the first meeting? Unfortunately this happens all too often.

Here are some basic steps you can take when conducting your own meetings to be sure you accomplish what you need to with the meeting and make the best use of your time and everyone else’s as well. [click to continue…]

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This article gives a summary of six basic steps you can take toward the effective resolution of conflict in your organization. Practiced consistently, these steps offer a way to avoid needless debate and conflict and move quickly to the resolution of differences.

Step One – Defining the problem in terms of needs (not competing solutions): First, state the problem in a way that does not communicate blame or judgment. Making “I” statements is one effective way of stating a problem in non-judgmental, non-punitive way. After you have made a problem statement, or delivered an “I” statement, begin actively listening so you can empathize with the other person’s feelings and needs. Ask clarifying questions so that you can understand his/her side of the problem. Before going to Step 2, be sure both of you accept the definition of the problem. [click to continue…]

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How Do You Manage Your Investments?

When I am “invested in being right”—I can only suffer negative dividends. The dividend for this type of investment yields a loss of my sense of self. And I often find myself alone and out in the cold with my little portfolio of “I was right” stocks, “I tried to tell you” money markets, and the “if you had only listened to me” mutual funds.

How can I pick winning stocks for my emotional portfolio? How can I communicate more clearly my intent of purpose without portraying myself with a Martha Stewart Dominatrix personality? How do I make my communication style like that of E. F. Hutton since when “he speaks, people listen”.

Consider the stages in the “investment in being right” cycle.
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Control: verb.  T0  regulate or direct; to exercise authority over; to restrain.  Webster’s New World Dictionary.

Control:  verb 1. (To hold in check) Constrain, repress, master.  2. (To direct)  lead, rule, dominate, direct, determine, conquer, conduct, administer, supervise, run, coach , head, dictate, ,manage, influence, prevail, domineer, constrain, charge, subdue, push, coerce, oblige, train, limit, officiate, drive, move, regulate, take over, “rule the roost,”  “crack the whip,” “ call the signals.”  Webster’s New World Thesaurus.

Control:  noun. A desire to restrain the efforts of other and being unaware that I have no power or control over what others do.

Growing up, my family and home seemed to be in a constant state of disorder, discomfort and filled with unending tasks to kept the six children and two adults moving forward from day to day.  As the oldest of my siblings, I learned early to focus on other’s needs, problems and issues.  I took on the job of making everyone happy and keeping the peace.  If there was a problem, I must fix it right away or better yet, I leaned that I could take action to prevent problems, by managing and coercing my siblings and their behavior.

I craved recognition and validation from my parent s and received little.  The attention or responses I did get were focused on how I could do my task faster or better, or “Why didn’t you….?”  Thus, I began to believe that if I worked very hard, very quickly and very efficiently and if I controlled my environment and scope of responsibility, then I might get an “Atta girl” or” Way to go!”

I could survive a long time on a small amount of recognition.

My parent’s expectations were that there be a schedule, that the house be in some order and that there be some level of quiet and no fighting.  In order for me to achieve these goals, I began to manipulate and control, give orders, direction and repeat myself over and over to get the results I wanted.  In my need to control, I lost my creativity and found that I began to suffer from option anorexia.  There were only one or two says to make something happen and I didn’t try anything else.  I didn’t ask for help or ideas as after all, my way was tested and it worked.  My control behaviors kept me sane and they became my internal set of rules.  I found that I had lots of rules.

These controls habits moved into adulthood with me and they moved here with me from Wisconsin to Texas.  When I am focused on controlling people, processes and things, I become emotionally disconnected.  I work myself to exhaustion.  As I begin to feel tired, I look for quick fixes to give me a physical or mental boost and the fix I seek is taking on another project that I can control.  This projects fills me with the hope that I will get some recognition so that I am able to feel good, valued, recognized, human and that I can offset feeling abandoned, angry, tired, anxious or whatever else I am feeling that is uncomfortable and I don’t want to take responsibility for or feel. [click to continue…]

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