How Do You Manage Your Investments?

When I am “invested in being right”—I can only suffer negative dividends. The dividend for this type of investment yields a loss of my sense of self. And I often find myself alone and out in the cold with my little portfolio of “I was right” stocks, “I tried to tell you” money markets, and the “if you had only listened to me” mutual funds.

How can I pick winning stocks for my emotional portfolio? How can I communicate more clearly my intent of purpose without portraying myself with a Martha Stewart Dominatrix personality? How do I make my communication style like that of E. F. Hutton since when “he speaks, people listen”.

Consider the stages in the “investment in being right” cycle.
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Control: verb.  T0  regulate or direct; to exercise authority over; to restrain.  Webster’s New World Dictionary.

Control:  verb 1. (To hold in check) Constrain, repress, master.  2. (To direct)  lead, rule, dominate, direct, determine, conquer, conduct, administer, supervise, run, coach , head, dictate, ,manage, influence, prevail, domineer, constrain, charge, subdue, push, coerce, oblige, train, limit, officiate, drive, move, regulate, take over, “rule the roost,”  “crack the whip,” “ call the signals.”  Webster’s New World Thesaurus.

Control:  noun. A desire to restrain the efforts of other and being unaware that I have no power or control over what others do.

Growing up, my family and home seemed to be in a constant state of disorder, discomfort and filled with unending tasks to kept the six children and two adults moving forward from day to day.  As the oldest of my siblings, I learned early to focus on other’s needs, problems and issues.  I took on the job of making everyone happy and keeping the peace.  If there was a problem, I must fix it right away or better yet, I leaned that I could take action to prevent problems, by managing and coercing my siblings and their behavior.

I craved recognition and validation from my parent s and received little.  The attention or responses I did get were focused on how I could do my task faster or better, or “Why didn’t you….?”  Thus, I began to believe that if I worked very hard, very quickly and very efficiently and if I controlled my environment and scope of responsibility, then I might get an “Atta girl” or” Way to go!”

I could survive a long time on a small amount of recognition.

My parent’s expectations were that there be a schedule, that the house be in some order and that there be some level of quiet and no fighting.  In order for me to achieve these goals, I began to manipulate and control, give orders, direction and repeat myself over and over to get the results I wanted.  In my need to control, I lost my creativity and found that I began to suffer from option anorexia.  There were only one or two says to make something happen and I didn’t try anything else.  I didn’t ask for help or ideas as after all, my way was tested and it worked.  My control behaviors kept me sane and they became my internal set of rules.  I found that I had lots of rules.

These controls habits moved into adulthood with me and they moved here with me from Wisconsin to Texas.  When I am focused on controlling people, processes and things, I become emotionally disconnected.  I work myself to exhaustion.  As I begin to feel tired, I look for quick fixes to give me a physical or mental boost and the fix I seek is taking on another project that I can control.  This projects fills me with the hope that I will get some recognition so that I am able to feel good, valued, recognized, human and that I can offset feeling abandoned, angry, tired, anxious or whatever else I am feeling that is uncomfortable and I don’t want to take responsibility for or feel. [click to continue…]

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I didn’t know I was a hoarder until I heard someone talk about saving al the used pieces of soap that were too small to shower with to form a bigger piece. Well, I didn’t do that. I would attach all the small pieces that broke onto a new bar of soap. This way I reasoned, nothing would be wasted. I did not realize the insanity of my actions.

This awareness led me to see the cracked plates, chipped bowls, and disposal-mangled silverware that I kept were also another symptom of my hoarding and clutter. I used to think these items were still useful. I rationalized that as long as I didn’t use the cracked plate in the microwave it would be okay or if I used the cracked bowl for myself while my guests used the good bowls, I wasn’t being harmful. What I failed to see was that in holding onto these items I was not creating the space for new things to come in. I was nurturing a poverty attitude. I was also demonstrating low self-worth when I continued to use items that I wouldn’t let other people use. I had to learn self-care and self-love.

It was easy for me to throw away the cracked plates and chipped bowls with my newfound awareness. I reminded myself that I deserve better. It took me several years more to see the other areas of clutter in my life and house: the disorganized cabinets, unread magazines that I saved because I would get to them one day, and the paper and receipts I kept because I may need them one day. [click to continue…]

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Sarcasm is often justified by saying, “I was only joking or teasing.” However, the intent does not matter.  The outcome is what matters.  Sarcasm is hurtful to the person receiving as well as the one delivering the message.  Sarcasm is the use of words or remarks in an ironic manner. Sarcasm has often become a negative habit and a way to not deal with items directly.  Sarcasm can also be a way to refuse to find ways to be lighthearted and humorous in an appropriate way. When sarcasm is practiced in an organization, sarcasm supports socially unjust acts which mar relationships and can result in discrimination toward a person or group. Remember sarcasm is defined as “cutting the flesh” or “tearing the flesh”.  Sarcasm is “the use of bitter or wounding remarks.”  This tears away trust and destroys communication, relationships and teams.

Teasing is attempting to make fun of another person in a “playful” manner; however, teasing ends up being unkind or annoying to the person receiving the comment. Joking can also create difficulties.  Joking is defined as “a statement said or done to excite laughter; a witticism or jest; a ridiculous statement, person, or circumstance or poke fun at.”  Joking also can be hurtful and harmful to another. [click to continue…]

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