By now most of us that have been in the corporate world for any length of time have gone through layoffs, restructurings, acquisitions, mergers, and many other significant changes to our work environment. Sometimes those changes have gone more smoothly than others, and it is easy to look primarily at external circumstances and conditions as the reason why these changes have been successful or failed. Whatever the external situation might be, a much larger role in the success of significant change in our lives has to do with how we respond to that change. When we resist it or play victim to it, the change can be painful and can even cost us our jobs. On the other hand, if we are proactive and take responsibility for ourselves, the chances are greatly improved that the change will be a positive and productive one.

Here is a list of typical ways we can resist change, followed by descriptions of more productive responses that seek to embrace the change and grow from it rather than resist it. This list can serve as a very practical resource and guide the next time you or someone you know is faced with a significant change in the work environment.

Block: Live in fantasy that management will reduce the pain

If management decisions do not reduce the pain, the decisions made by management are seen as deceiving. Often this is a reaction to misinformation or no information circulated in organization. There may be an excuse or valid reason for the decision. Management may have considered all of the options available and did what they thought was best, yet the action was seen as passive or a non-action to employees/members. This indicates a belief the changes will occur as a response to something outside of the problem/pained system or person.

Solution: Accept responsibility for gaining information; find out how decisions are made

All members ask for more information. They talk and consider all options, using teams of people for more creative ideas and discussion. This helps to eliminate dependency and passivity among some organizational members who wait for information to be given to them. Works best when team/individuals refuse to give or accept excuses. Members seek to find out who has the needed information and determine what action/s needs to be taken.

Block: “I’ve decided I’m not going to change”

Member or team has closed off any options and are usually trapped in a problem. They will say. “I’m not going to have any part of this (change)!” They will resist and fight in egocentrism and piousness. The most common stress on a job is the resistance to change, rather than the change itself.

Solution: Determine significance and importance for change

It is important to ask “What choices do you have?” “Can you have input into the change?” “How will you give the input?” “How can you act and respond rather than react to the impending change?”

Block: Play victim/ martyr

Thoughts of “Poor me, this is so unfair!” closes off options. This negative, victim mentality creates blame or even abuse in another member. Victimization/martyrdom shifts the accountability for a change of attitude away from self and onto another. This situation is usually played out in public, where others get involved in the negativity. The victim is seen as not part of the problem or even a part of the process in the organization.

Solution: Empower self

Members choose to participate in the formulation of new ideas. Empowered people search for the positive aspects of change and look for ways to support the empowerment of themselves and others.

Block: New game –played by the old rules

Members work hard in this system to appear to accept the change yet remain resistant. They know the right words to say in order to get by. They have not accepted the change and still resist it in their work behavior. Members hold onto the idea “they (management or someone else) are responsible” for the change. This attitude shows a lack of acceptance that in organizations today employees need to view their position as being in a highly competitive market where they must manage self and others.

Solution: Accept and participate in the establishment of new expectations for job performance

Work teams can create new guidelines for implementation or support of the change. They can create their own expectations of each other and the goals they set as a team, rather than having goals or expectations thrust upon them from “outside.”

Block: Justify not changing—“I cannot work in an environment that stressful”

These members push for a low key change attempting to minimize the stress of the change. Usually these proposals are temporary solutions and are ways to resist needed systemic change. This attitude indicates a lack of awareness that organizations which move slowly are in trouble in the long run.

Solution: Learn to live in the process

Organizations must be able to respond to the myriad changes happening in the workplace in order to remain competitive. Employees are looking for innovative companies and investors are looking for organizations that can adapt to changing trends. This means today’s organizations must constantly evolve. Change is inevitable and high velocity change is here to stay.

Block: Attempt to “control the uncontrollable”

Political maneuvering and power games are prevalent with this type of block. The members have a “go down fighting” attitude. They believe the change is ultimately devastating for the organization even though the current system is not working or is failing. They resist the inevitable and would rather “go down with the ship” than take a step back to see what can be done differently. Their resistance to the change is their effort to impact something which is beyond their control.

Solution: Accept it is a pure waste of time to “control the uncontrollable”

Members must accept the change will happen whether they participate or not. The change is occurring to improve the organization and members know this. They are empowered to participate in the change and have input into how the change is implemented.

Block: Choose my own pace of change

These members agree to the change, as long as it can be done on their time table, at a pace they are comfortable with. The preferences of this pace may vary among members. Members want to stay in a comfort zone. This attitude and process can bog down the rest of the organization. It is vital for the change to have a common process throughout the system, rather than allowing some units to proceed with change at a pace which is slower than others.

Solution: Stop lying to self

Resistance, whether named or not named is still resistance. Full agreement on the time table or pace of the change may not be possible. Not all members are going to be comfortable in the change process. Admit to self “change is uncomfortable!” Do not deny this fact. It is important that the system change together, at the same time and pace.

Block: Fail to abandon the expendable

Members here want to be accountable for their old job and responsibilities even though that job/position no longer exists. They often did their old job well and were comfortable in the role. They do not want to quit what they do well, even when it is no longer required. They would rather do things right than do the right thing and adapt to the change. In this situation there is usually an element of work, project, or activity addiction. The person will do their old activities and work tasks without acknowledging they must change their routine. This is a way they lie to themselves. See the solution above as well.

Solution: Set priorities

Help these members to abandon the expendable. Address work, project, and activity addiction in the system and offer opportunities for the members to adapt to the change in healthier ways.

Block: Slowdown

The member(s) freezes similar to the “deer in headlights” paralysis. They attempt to minimize risk, hide out and play safe. They refuse to face the reality that change is vital to pick up the speed of the organization to meet the effects of ongoing change.

Solution: Accept that a slow pace puts us behind

Integrated members realize the emphasis is self motivation and focus on what needs to be done. They view risk as valuable and believe risk leads to creativity. Encourage members to process FEAR (False Events Appearing Real) and to participate with the team. By working with each other or a team, the speed of change can be managed more easily by each member.

Block: Afraid of the future

Members may worry and brood about the future. They do not recognize this worrying and brooding tears us down. When a negative view begins, the member/team is borrowing trouble.

Solution: Live today

Members are more accepting of change when they focus on the present. By letting go of the future and focusing on being emotionally connected, the members can be present in the moment and participate in the actions needed to be performed.

Block: Pick the wrong battles

The member feels overwhelmed so they believe they need to fight. They describe their feelings as “Battle Fatigue.” In reality the member fights over trivia, gets involved in wars on too many fronts and is so invested they fight for actions not in the best interest of themselves or the company. They may argue for argument’s sake. Soon they begin to feel burnout due to fighting multiple battles. The member does not stop to access the value of a particular battle or stance or what is needed in the situation. These actions are ways the member is unable to set boundaries.

Solution: “What is most important?”

Members must consider the personal damage to themselves for failing to consider “What is most important?” When the member focuses on doing their job and resolving differences, resentments can be processed and actions lead to productive resolutions.

Block: Unplug from job

Members invest in being disconnected. They feel disgusted and live life as thought they “have to.” The member does not desire to come to work and lives from “I’m supposed to go to work.”

Solution: Recommit to job

Members who accept change focus on the actions they can accomplish.

Block: Avoid new assignments

A member may demand the organization create a new job that looks like their old job. They may become a spectator and leave their responsibilities to someone else. They act as though they cannot compete in the job market therefore, they cannot possibly do the new assignment.

Solution: Enter the game

Members who take on new assignments pick up on important experiences. They accept that familiarity does not mean the best for their professional growth. They are active in redefining the skill base so they can compete in the change process as well as the new job market.

Block: Try to eliminate uncertainty and instability

The member struggles to stabilize. They do not deal with ambiguity and uncertainty due to a strong need for closure or endings.

Solution: Today is temporary

Members who can accept a new attitude of being willing to “improvise” are able to devise and use simple plans. They learn to accept rigidity as a death sentence in their development. They are able to live with ambiguity and see life as a process. They realize closure may not be as clear while living through the change process.

Block: “Caring management should keep me comfortable”

This is similar to the first block discussed since the member is looking for someone else to take care of them and they believe they are “entitled” to be taken care of – usually by management.

Solution: Emotionally connect to job and others

Responsible members realize no one is entitled. Responsible management accepts the idea it is destructive to keep employees comfortable. The best action for each member and each manager is to remember “I need to be responsible for my experiences.”

Block: Being an enabler

Management and other members may compensate for the weaknesses of other members so they are not “hurt” by the change. They listen or agree without confronting other’s comments about change. They may also take on the job of others who are not willing to change. Listening, agreeing and doing another’s job continue the resistance to change and does not assist their co-member to move forward.

Solution: Accept that enabling disables people

Members must accept that doing for someone else what they can learn to do for themselves is enabling. However, members can identify what areas are difficult in doing the job after the change takes place. Then a member can assist a co-member in defining and putting into action solutions for themselves to deal with the changes. Discuss with the co-member how they feel and how the feelings may be reinforcing their need to resist change. Discuss alternative ways to behave and view change.

At one time or another in our lives, we are likely to be involved in some kind of conflict with another person. How we handle that conflict, how we respond to it, can make all the difference in terms of whether the conflict is resolved or remains a divisive issue.

The following options are a useful way to approach conflict with others to help resolve conflict situations.

When the conflict involves you:

• Before asking your antagonist to change behaviors, state: “I am responsible for the following behaviors in this conflict or crisis.” When you own your contribution to the conflict it will help take the other person off the defensive.
• Hear perceptions of each other’s behavior. This will allow for:
  • Clearing up misconceptions
  • Prevention of actions based on assumptions
  • Stopping analysis of the other person’s behavior, which leads to defensiveness
  • Establishing data which can lead to resolving conflicts

• When upset over a situation, then take the initiative and go to the person directly. Set aside time to work through problem that exits.
• Never assume a situation cannot be resolved unless you have tried to resolve it, giving the other person a chance to do so with you.
• Establish a commitment or contract for new behavior and follow through.
• Call person directly when a commitment is broken (rather than talking about them behind their back).

When the conflict does not involve you (or when you are peripheral to it):

• Be an integrator:
  • Do not listen to “gossip”…tell the person who is gossiping to: “Go talk to the person directly rather than talking about the person.”
  • State your belief that the third party will come to you directly if she/he wants you to have information about the situation.
• Act as “third party” negotiator by getting two people involved in meeting to resolve differences, and do not do their work for them.

We all hear the term feedback, in many different contexts. What people mean when they say feedback, however, can vary widely. Sometimes feedback can be used constructively and other times so-called feedback can be used in a negative way. Feedback is actually a very specific thing, meant to provide useful information to others that they can use for their own development and awareness. Feedback is not a cover for criticism or judgment.

The following points offer a description of what feedback is and how to provide it. You can use this list as a quick reference to be sure what you have to say to another person really is feedback and will be helpful to them.

Feedback is descriptive rather than evaluative. It is helpful to focus on what the individual did rather than to translate his/her behavior into a statement about what (s)he is. “I feel uncomfortable with being interrupted and therefore I am concerned about you interrupting me.” This is probably not something that a person really wants to hear, but it is likely to be more helpful than, “You are a bad-mannered oaf.”

Feedback focuses on the feelings generated in the person who has experienced the behavior and who is offering the feedback. “When you interrupt me I feel frustrated”, gives the individual clear information about the effect of his/her behavior, while at the same time leaving him/her free to decide what (s)he wants to do about that effect.

Feedback is specific rather than general. For example, it is probably more useful to learn that you “have talked for a long time and I would like to encourage sharing from myself and others” than to have someone describe you as dominating.

Feedback is directed toward behavior which the receiver can do something about. Frustration is increased when a person is reminded of some shortcoming over which (s)he has no control.

Feedback is solicited rather than imposed. Feedback is most useful when the receiver feels that (s)he needs and wants it, when (s)he has formulated for self the kind of question which those observing can answer. It does not have to be solicited, however, to still have value. Furthermore, due to the defensiveness of an individual, and the effect of that defensiveness upon the relationship at some given time, it may have to be given when unsolicited.

Feedback is well-timed. In general feedback is most useful at the earliest opportunity after the given behavior, depending, of course, on the receiver’s readiness to hear it, support available from others, and so on.

Feedback is checked to ensure clear communication. One way of doing this is to have the receiver try to rephrase the feedback in question to see whether the receiver’s version corresponds with what the sender meant.

When feedback is given in a group or team, both giver and receiver have opportunity to check its accuracy with others in the group. Thus, the receiver will know whether this is one person’s impression or an impression shared by others.

Feedback should not be given primarily to “dump” or “unload” on another. If you think you need to say something to the other person, then ask yourself if you have processed your feelings and who it is you are trying to “help”.

Feedback does not ask “WHY?” It stays within the bounds of behavior and one’s reactions to that behavior. To theorize about or ask why a person does a certain thing is to plumb the depths of motivation. This is a waste of time and is an invasion to another person’s space.

Dear Friend,

For many around the world this is the season for holidays. In the US we have just finished celebrating Thanksgiving and the chance to reflect on all we have to be thankful for. For instance we are grateful to share the upcoming programs in first quarter 2012 with you.

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Have you ever sat in a meeting and felt frustrated that nothing actually got accomplished ? And then sat in the inevitable follow-up meeting to try to do what was supposed to have been done in the first meeting? Unfortunately this happens all too often.

Here are some basic steps you can take when conducting your own meetings to be sure you accomplish what you need to with the meeting and make the best use of your time and everyone else’s as well.

Before the Meeting

• Don’t overcrowd the meeting. Only invite those necessary for reaching a decision.
• Choose an appropriate time. The necessary facts and people should be available. Schedule the meeting for before lunch, another engagement, or quitting time if this is appropriate to the type of meeting being called.
• Choose an appropriate place. Accessibility of location, availability of equipment, size of the room, and so forth are all important.
• Define the purpose clearly in your own mind before calling the meeting.
• Distribute the agenda in advance. This helps the participants prepare; or at least forewarns them.
• Time-limit the meeting and the agenda. Allocate a time to each subject proportional to its relative importance.

During the Meeting

• Start on time. There is no substitute.
• Assign timekeeping and note-taking responsibilities. Keep posted on the time remaining and the amount behind schedule if any.
• Start with and stick to the agenda. “We’re here to…The purpose of this meeting is…The next point to be decided is…”
• Manage interruptions. Allow interruptions for emergency purposes only.
• Accomplish your purpose. What was the specific purpose of the meeting-to analyze a problem, to generate creative alternatives, to arrive at a decision, to inform, to coordinate? Was it accomplished?
• Restate conclusions and assignments to insure agreement and to provide reinforcement or a reminder.
• End on time. Adjourn the meeting as scheduled so that participants can mange their own time. Placing the most important items at the start of the agenda insures that only the least important will be left unfinished.
• Use a meeting evaluation checklist as an occasional spot check. Questions should be answered by each participant before leaving. Was the purpose of the meeting clear?
  • Was the agenda received in advance?
  • Were any materials essential for preparation also received in advance?
  • Did the meeting start on time? If not, what happened?
  • Was the agenda followed adequately, or was the meeting allowed to wander from it unnecessarily?
  • Was the purpose achieved?
  • Were assignments and deadlines fixed where appropriate?
  • Of the total meeting time, what percentage was not effectively utilized? What occurred?

  The evaluations, signed, should be collected for the chairperson’s immediate review.

After the Meeting

• Send the minutes out quickly. Concise minutes should be completed and distributed within 48 hours at the outside. If people can rely on receiving well-written minutes, those who really aren’t needed will be freed from attending. Minutes are also a reminder and a useful follow-up tool, as shown in the next suggestion.
• Ensure that progress reports are made and decisions executed. Provide follow-up to ensure the implementation of decision and checks on progress where warranted. Uncompleted actions should be listed under “Unfinished Business” on the next meeting’s agenda.

This article gives a summary of six basic steps you can take toward the effective resolution of conflict in your organization. Practiced consistently, these steps offer a way to avoid needless debate and conflict and move quickly to the resolution of differences.

Step One – Defining the problem in terms of needs (not competing solutions): First, state the problem in a way that does not communicate blame or judgment. Making “I” statements is one effective way of stating a problem in non-judgmental, non-punitive way. After you have made a problem statement, or delivered an “I” statement, begin actively listening so you can empathize with the other person’s feelings and needs. Ask clarifying questions so that you can understand his/her side of the problem. Before going to Step 2, be sure both of you accept the definition of the problem.
Step Two – Generating possible solutions (without evaluating them yet): Creativity enters into the process at this point as you both brainstorm all possible solutions to the problem. All solutions must meet the criterion of meeting both your needs in solving the problem.

Step Three – Evaluating and testing the various solutions: At this point, honesty is essential. Which of the solutions will work best? Which has the best chance of being carried out by both of you? If necessary, rethink the situation and come up with additional solutions.

Step Four – Deciding on a mutually acceptable solution: Both of you must make a commitment to one solution. To do this, neither should use power or persuasion; both must freely choose to implement the solution. The solution you agree to probably should be written down so there will be less chance of misunderstanding what is to be done.

Step Five – Implementing the solution: Carrying out the solution generally means talking about who is to do what by when. Trust that the other person will carry out his or her part of the agreement is essential. However, if the solution is not implemented, you have another problem that can be processed in the same way; if it is not implemented, you may have to confront the other person with an “I” statement about his or her lack of action.

Step Six – Evaluating the solution: If a weakness in the solution becomes apparent, you may have to re-process the problem. It should be understood that all decisions are open to re-evaluation and modification.

The following skills and approaches are effective in supporting this problem-solving process:

• Active listening
• Clear and honest communication
• Respect for the needs of others
• Trust
• Being open to new information
• Persistence
• Firmness in your unwillingness to fail
• Refusal to revert to win/lose or lose/lose scenarios

How Do You Manage Your Investments?

When I am “invested in being right”—I can only suffer negative dividends. The dividend for this type of investment yields a loss of my sense of self. And I often find myself alone and out in the cold with my little portfolio of “I was right” stocks, “I tried to tell you” money markets, and the “if you had only listened to me” mutual funds.

How can I pick winning stocks for my emotional portfolio? How can I communicate more clearly my intent of purpose without portraying myself with a Martha Stewart Dominatrix personality? How do I make my communication style like that of E. F. Hutton since when “he speaks, people listen”.

Consider the stages in the “investment in being right” cycle.

Stage One—Manage My Feelings

I must remember when managing my emotions I am not controlling my emotions. The only self-control that I can invoke is the management or choice to manage all the emotions which are available to me. Einstein’s theory of relativity does not apply here, for every action there does not have to be a separate and equal reaction.

For example, I am in a meeting with my peers and one of them comments I should be able to produce more revenue from the departments I am responsible for than I am currently producing. And I think to myself, as I assume a defensive stance, “The nerve of that moron, who in the heck does she/he think she/he is. Maybe she/he should “clean up” her/his own backyard and stay out of my business.” I easily become so “emotionally invested” in the comment I lose my sense of self. I choose to indulge this comment by responding with a resounding, “Whatever, Clown!” My “transaction” has been put into play.

I could stop this cycle here by slowing down and processing my feelings—this means writing my feelings down, distinguishing them from my thoughts and seeing how feelings affect my thoughts. I can ask myself in this stage, “What am I being defensive about?” “How am I investing
in being upset with another person, and focusing on that person?” I can focus back on myself, process my feelings, and ask how I can communicate respectfully and responsibly with the other person to clarify what is needed. I can then take action from a grounded place rather than a reactive place.

I don’t and instead, I leave the meeting ready and willing to enter Stage Two.

Stage Two—Tell me How You Really Feel

Stage Two is a busy place. It is filled with risky behaviors that guarantee negative return on my investment in being right. I can double my payoff in the “numb out your feelings” scam. I can beat the bank by playing, “Obsession Roulette”. I can spend hours trading obsessive thoughts with myself and with my friends.

Or I can STOP the obsession and ask myself this question: “What’s the payoff for this type of thinking?” “How much am I willing to spend for my first class ticket to the “World of Arrogance”?” Arrogance is a destructive choice to manage my emotions and what, when, how and where I think about people, places, things and situations.

My peer’s comment to me in the meeting could have been “debited” differently. I cannot change her/his statement to me, only my response to her/his statement. By exercising this payment option, I manage to keep a positive balance in my own emotional bank account.

Stage III—WhattsamattaMe and Lady Sings the Blues

When my obsessive thoughts keep multiplying I am now in a Bull Market economy. I am so focused on the comments of others I spiral into a state of increasing negativity and self doubt. I have not really taken time to examine my feelings and process them. I am heavily invested and I cannot see my way out of debt. I am headed for a great depression. My head hurts, I feel tired, and I am out of energy, just like Enron. My tank is empty. I have three more meetings today. I am destroyed and invested in resentment. I am not tired, I am plain angry with my peer and myself. I need to turn myself around when I get into this depth of negativity. I can now focus on:

A Cure for What Ails Me

When my focus is on others, I must ask myself, “What is my Part?” And I must ask myself, “How are my feelings propelling me into judgment?” And when I can’t answer these questions and I am still feeling angry with myself, I need to consider my stock options. I can:

1. Write down my feelings and thoughts.
2. Call someone who can help me clarify/identify my obsessive thoughts.
3. Consult my peers who will support me into taking proactive actions.\
4. Eat Humble Pie.

I can also remember to manage my emotions. I can be compassionate to myself first, then others. I can remember compassion means to have passion, as well as anger and can include many emotions. All of these emotions are part of my portfolio. They are available to me in response to any comment. I will invest in myself in order for me not lose my self. I will make good choices and earn myself big dividends.

Control: verb.  T0  regulate or direct; to exercise authority over; to restrain.  Webster’s New World Dictionary.

Control:  verb 1. (To hold in check) Constrain, repress, master.  2. (To direct)  lead, rule, dominate, direct, determine, conquer, conduct, administer, supervise, run, coach , head, dictate, ,manage, influence, prevail, domineer, constrain, charge, subdue, push, coerce, oblige, train, limit, officiate, drive, move, regulate, take over, “rule the roost,”  “crack the whip,” “ call the signals.”  Webster’s New World Thesaurus.

Control:  noun. A desire to restrain the efforts of other and being unaware that I have no power or control over what others do.

Growing up, my family and home seemed to be in a constant state of disorder, discomfort and filled with unending tasks to kept the six children and two adults moving forward from day to day.  As the oldest of my siblings, I learned early to focus on other’s needs, problems and issues.  I took on the job of making everyone happy and keeping the peace.  If there was a problem, I must fix it right away or better yet, I leaned that I could take action to prevent problems, by managing and coercing my siblings and their behavior.

I craved recognition and validation from my parent s and received little.  The attention or responses I did get were focused on how I could do my task faster or better, or “Why didn’t you….?”  Thus, I began to believe that if I worked very hard, very quickly and very efficiently and if I controlled my environment and scope of responsibility, then I might get an “Atta girl” or” Way to go!”

I could survive a long time on a small amount of recognition.

My parent’s expectations were that there be a schedule, that the house be in some order and that there be some level of quiet and no fighting.  In order for me to achieve these goals, I began to manipulate and control, give orders, direction and repeat myself over and over to get the results I wanted.  In my need to control, I lost my creativity and found that I began to suffer from option anorexia.  There were only one or two says to make something happen and I didn’t try anything else.  I didn’t ask for help or ideas as after all, my way was tested and it worked.  My control behaviors kept me sane and they became my internal set of rules.  I found that I had lots of rules.

These controls habits moved into adulthood with me and they moved here with me from Wisconsin to Texas.  When I am focused on controlling people, processes and things, I become emotionally disconnected.  I work myself to exhaustion.  As I begin to feel tired, I look for quick fixes to give me a physical or mental boost and the fix I seek is taking on another project that I can control.  This projects fills me with the hope that I will get some recognition so that I am able to feel good, valued, recognized, human and that I can offset feeling abandoned, angry, tired, anxious or whatever else I am feeling that is uncomfortable and I don’t want to take responsibility for or feel.Recently, I created a situation which negatively affected a team of people I work with.  I volunteered to participate as a facilitator in a group learning activity.  I had been the recipient of the group learning activity in the past and felt sure that I could present the learning material and facilitate the learning exercises.  Then I volunteered to team up with another member to do an oral presentation.  In the period of time while I was working with my two respective partners on the two different presentations, I became focused on the fact that I had to be successful in these presentations.  I wrote long, detailed notes for the group learning activity and exercises.  When I actually presented with my partner, I was overly focused on the directions and notes I had written and emotionally disconnected from the participants.  I was no longer spontaneous.  I was rigid and mechanical in my presentation.  I possessed no flexibility.  My voice was monotone and my overall attitude lacked energy.  Fortunately for the participants, my partner was emotionally connected, spirited, energetic and more flexible and she salvaged the exercise by drawing in another more experienced and emotionally connected facilitator.

My partner in the oral presentation of an article fared no better.  Again I wanted to be successful and lauded by my peers for the contribution I was making.  As I began to work on my portion of the presentation I began to feel unsure of myself and I became blocked to the material.  My creativity disappeared.  I leaned on my partner for feedback that what I had written and was going to present was on target.  I wrote several drafts and went over them with him.  I expressed my neediness by requiring extra time and meetings to go over the material.  I recognized how well done his portion was and I attempted to emulate his style.  In my need to gain recognition, I became emotionally disconnected from my working partner, and the richness of the material we were to present.  I failed to recognize that I was over my head with this assignment and went ahead anyway.  The day of the presentation, my working partner brought his emotional connection to the group with confidence, well presented content, and a sense of humor.  I was emotionally disconnected from the group I was speaking to and I was disconnected from the material. I failed to see that part of my remarks were inappropriate to the message.   I failed to see the participant’s restlessness when I was speaking and take action to amend my behavior, and take any action on their behalf.  I failed to recognize that my portion of the presentation was of poor quality.  Later I realized that my poor performance detracted from my partner’s well done presentation.  I felt terrible and sad that I had impacted my team, my partner and the participants. I was so invested in seeking recognition that I controlled my process and failed to ask for help.  It never occurred to me that I could ask for someone else to take over the presentation.  I felt a great need to be perfect, to be accepted and to be recognized.

By controlling, I create a cycle which cuts me off from relationships and people.  I stop feeling my feelings.  I no longer recognize boundaries for my self or for others.  I direct and become autocratic.  I allow people to assign me more projects or I volunteer for more.  I affect the people I am around in negative ways.  I am so tired or over-stimulated and so disconnected that I can’t remember details and I call people for information that they have already given me.  I misplace things, items, and notes.  I take much longer to process information and directions.  I become needy (which I fail to recognize) and seek reassurance that I am doing something “the right way” instead of making a decision, taking action, and taking responsibility. I fail to recognize that the other person(s) I am working with or spending time with have ideas, concerns or needs and I disregard them.  I may give excessive directions on how to do something.  I become closed to the possibility that there are other ways to accomplish the project, plan the menu,  have fun, etc. I am emotionally unavailable to the people I am around.  I interrupt them, I think about something else while they are talking, I fail to consider what they are saying, and I fail to take any suggestion that may be made.  I overlook material or information they provide. I fail to attend their activities, meetings.  I place higher value on what I am doing, thinking, saying and disrespect and disregard all others.  I am inflexible, arrogant, and self-centered.  My attitude becomes negative and I become critical and judgmental. I fail to take care of my self by eating on time, by resting, by taking breaks, or relaxing.  I give up the activities I find relaxing.

After I have alienated the people around me, I wonder why they don’t call me, don’t include me, and don’t listen to me.  I fail to see my actions and begin to think, act, and speak as a victim.  I become angry and resentful and more controlling.

Today I realize that my control behaviors were and are related to long-standing feelings of abandonment, futility, powerlessness, and helplessness. These control behaviors have become familiar to me and they are habitual.  I begin controlling around people, places, and things that are not my responsibility. I realize how harmful these behaviors are to others and to myself.  I realize that my attitudes and actions amount to dominance.

Today I can learn what is and is not my responsibility.  By understanding that “I can’t control it”, I give myself permission to take care of myself.  I can ask myself “How important is this?” I can increase my efforts to keep the focus on myself.  I realize I can do only my part.

I didn’t know I was a hoarder until I heard someone talk about saving al the used pieces of soap that were too small to shower with to form a bigger piece. Well, I didn’t do that. I would attach all the small pieces that broke onto a new bar of soap. This way I reasoned, nothing would be wasted. I did not realize the insanity of my actions.

This awareness led me to see the cracked plates, chipped bowls, and disposal-mangled silverware that I kept were also another symptom of my hoarding and clutter. I used to think these items were still useful. I rationalized that as long as I didn’t use the cracked plate in the microwave it would be okay or if I used the cracked bowl for myself while my guests used the good bowls, I wasn’t being harmful. What I failed to see was that in holding onto these items I was not creating the space for new things to come in. I was nurturing a poverty attitude. I was also demonstrating low self-worth when I continued to use items that I wouldn’t let other people use. I had to learn self-care and self-love.

It was easy for me to throw away the cracked plates and chipped bowls with my newfound awareness. I reminded myself that I deserve better. It took me several years more to see the other areas of clutter in my life and house: the disorganized cabinets, unread magazines that I saved because I would get to them one day, and the paper and receipts I kept because I may need them one day.

In my house I like my things to be put away. I lived below my expectations. I rarely invited people over because I had to clean and was ashamed of the clutter I lived in. When I cleaned, I stuffed paper and magazines in bags and stuck them behind doors and couches. I calculated that people would not look behind these places. I was not aware that my behavior was driven out of fear of what people thought of me. The clean space would not last.

In recovery from hoarding and clutter I’m learning I cannot live life for others. I practice the 3 A’s. First I become aware of my hoarding or clutter behavior; then I must accept my awareness and process my feelings around it to see what comes up. Sometimes what I learn is this is another facet of my poverty attitude, lack mentality, or self-abuse. I must take action to de-clutter and clean. I need a clean, peaceful environment to nurture myself and not just to look good to others.

My closets are still filled with boxes and clutter; however, I recognize this is a journey and a process. I’ve started with organizing all my cabinets by buying shelves, bins, and baskets to store items. Today when I open my cabinets I feel a rush of pride that everything is organized and I can see what I have. I feel self cared for.

I still have a problem with hoarding scraps of paper or articles. I fear that I’ll need this information one day. I have boxes of articles from high school that I’m still waiting to read. I know this is insane. My hoarding is tied to my insecurity and belief that I’m not smart enough, that I need to read everything to be smart, and that I need to keep everything because I don’t believe I’ll remember. In “Stop Clutter From Stealing Your Life,” the author writes, “Our hoarding is an outward manifestation of our inward feelings. By leaving the visible clutter for later, we just keep reinforcing our feelings of powerlessness.”

Today I’m working on creating the space that I want to live in. It is an ongoing project. I’m in recovery and healing my self-love and self-worth. I learn through my sponsor and other people in recovery what caring for myself is. I know when piles begin to grow I need to check-in with myself to see how I’m feeling. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I’m surrounded by clutter again or that my closet is still full of junk and I’m fooling no one. “Stop Clutter From Stealing Your Life” says, “Feelings of failure when confronting our clutter are common.” What I remind myself of is that I’m making progress in taking care of myself, that I’m not perfect, and the transformation will not take place overnight, but over a period of time. I remind myself that I am not my clutter and I deserve to live a quality life free from physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual clutter.

Sarcasm is often justified by saying, “I was only joking or teasing.” However, the intent does not matter.  The outcome is what matters.  Sarcasm is hurtful to the person receiving as well as the one delivering the message.  Sarcasm is the use of words or remarks in an ironic manner. Sarcasm has often become a negative habit and a way to not deal with items directly.  Sarcasm can also be a way to refuse to find ways to be lighthearted and humorous in an appropriate way. When sarcasm is practiced in an organization, sarcasm supports socially unjust acts which mar relationships and can result in discrimination toward a person or group. Remember sarcasm is defined as “cutting the flesh” or “tearing the flesh”.  Sarcasm is “the use of bitter or wounding remarks.”  This tears away trust and destroys communication, relationships and teams.

Teasing is attempting to make fun of another person in a “playful” manner; however, teasing ends up being unkind or annoying to the person receiving the comment. Joking can also create difficulties.  Joking is defined as “a statement said or done to excite laughter; a witticism or jest; a ridiculous statement, person, or circumstance or poke fun at.”  Joking also can be hurtful and harmful to another.

Possible Reasons for People to Participate in Sarcasm

1. Even though sarcasm is a sad way to get involved, people participate in sarcasm to be included.
2. People get attention by doing sarcasm and when sarcasm becomes an accepted norm in an organization, unfortunately people get positively reinforced for sarcasm.
3. Since people often have difficulty dealing with emotions in situations and relationships, they may deal with their emotions indirectly by participating in sarcasm.  This prevents people from dealing directly with people, processing their feelings and then finding resolution to their conflicts or differences of opinion.
4. Sarcasm feeds third-party communication or gossip.
5. When sarcasm is an accepted norm in the organization, practicing sarcasm becomes a “right of passage” in the organization.  In other words, sarcasm is expected and is a way people are to communicate.  This is another way of saying, “I want to be accepted” and I will participate in sarcasm.
6. When the person is sarcastic, this may prevent the person from being able to address the individual directly. The person being talked about is unable to do anything about the comments.  This becomes frustrating to the person being focused upon since there is “no way to fight back.”  Sarcasm is a form of “sick politics.”
7. Some people will rationalize sarcasm by saying Sarcasm is a way to vent when the job is stressful and “what’s wrong with dark humor?” Both contribute to the ISMS.  Sarcasm also does not encourage the person to learn how to process their feelings and focus themselves.
8. “Well, sarcasm may be safer than “throwing rocks.”  This is a sarcastic statement in itself.  We need to find more productive ways to communicate.
9. Sarcasm can be a way to” tear someone down to make themselves feel better.” Tearing someone else down feeds self-defeating behaviors in the person who does the sarcasm.  This is not a winning approach.
10. Sadly, people use sarcasm as a way to “tell the truth or what I believe without consequences.”  This supports people in not developing respectful and effective ways to communicate.  There are consequences for sarcasm and not expanding my knowledge about ways to communicate with others.

What are Ways To Communicate Effectively, Process my Feelings and even Find Ways to be Humorous and Light-hearted

Consider the following statements, as well as ways to turn around the statements in the previous list. These are suggestions meant to stimulate your thoughts about other ways to express humor.

Humor—“the quality of being amusing; the ability to perceive or express humor; facetious, comic.”  “The quality of being laughable or comical:  finally saw the humor of the situation.”

Communicate and Communication—“to make known; put into words; give expression to, as by gestures, facial aspects, or bodily posture; to interact with another or others in a meaningful fashion.”

Emotions and Emotional—“a strong subjective response” such as love, sadness, etc.  “Stirred by emotions; relating to, arising from, or appealing to the emotions.”

Feelings—“intuitive cognition; (similar definitions to emotions); an act of touching; a particular sensation conveyed by words; a general impression produced by a predominant quality or characteristic; stirred by emotions.”  “Emotions are expressed in feeling words such as mad, glad, sad, happy, etc.”