Dear Friend,

For many around the world this is the season for holidays. In the US we have just finished celebrating Thanksgiving and the chance to reflect on all we have to be thankful for. For instance we are grateful to share the upcoming programs in first quarter 2012 with you.

Please take a moment to review our offerings and plan for one or all of these programs next year.

Are you tired during the day or do you get headaches? You may experiencing side effects from the food you are eating. The Food and Health Teleconference will help you learn about the addictive substances in the food you eat and how the body is affected. You will learn ways to eat wholesome meals and develop a long-term, sustainable program that will change your life.

Food and Health Teleconference (10 Sessions)

Thursdays 7 pm – 9 pm CST
February 2, 9, 16, 23, 2012
March 1, 8, 15, 22, 29, 2012
April 5, 2012
$385 ($460 after 01/19/12)

We all have habits, some are helpful to us and other which are not. In Habits: Friend or Foe? you’ll learn which habitual behaviors are serving as blocks to you and how to transform them to open up to the success and fulfillment you desire in all aspects of your life.

Habits: Friend or Foe? Teleconference (8 Sessions)

Mondays 7 pm – 8:30 pm CST
February 6, 13, 20, 27, 2012
March 5, 12, 19, 26, 2012
$375 ($450 after 01/23/12)

Leadership is for EVERYONE. Living A Spirit of Leadership is a 2-part program based on The Five Practices of Exemplary Leadership, developed by Kouzes and Posner. In Part 1 we cover the Leadership Practice Inventory in which you will undergo a 360-degree online assessment and learn about the your leadership behaviors and how to strengthen them.

Living A Spirit of Leadership Part 1 (1 ½ Days – Houston, TX)

February 23 – 24, 2012
$1,850 ($1,995 after 2/9/2012)

The Weekend Experience is an accelerated growth opportunity that will broaden your interpersonal skills, which are crucial to success in every endeavor.

Weekend Experience (3 Days – Houston, TX)

March 2 – 4, 2012
$380 ($455 after 2/22/2012)

Remember to regularly visit our blog for organizational and personal development articles. Don’t hesitate to call us if you have any questions or would like to discuss any of our programs or services in more detail. You can also find more information on our website, www.cloud-rainosek.com.

Finally, we’re stepping up our campaign to expand our audience and need your help to “Like” us on Facebook. If you have a Facebook account and have not become a fan yet, please visit our Facebook page and clicking “Like” on our fanpage. Thanks for your support!

We look forward to seeing you in 2012.

Sincerely,
Liz and Jackalyn

Have you ever sat in a meeting and felt frustrated that nothing actually got accomplished ? And then sat in the inevitable follow-up meeting to try to do what was supposed to have been done in the first meeting? Unfortunately this happens all too often.

Here are some basic steps you can take when conducting your own meetings to be sure you accomplish what you need to with the meeting and make the best use of your time and everyone else’s as well.

Before the Meeting

• Don’t overcrowd the meeting. Only invite those necessary for reaching a decision.
• Choose an appropriate time. The necessary facts and people should be available. Schedule the meeting for before lunch, another engagement, or quitting time if this is appropriate to the type of meeting being called.
• Choose an appropriate place. Accessibility of location, availability of equipment, size of the room, and so forth are all important.
• Define the purpose clearly in your own mind before calling the meeting.
• Distribute the agenda in advance. This helps the participants prepare; or at least forewarns them.
• Time-limit the meeting and the agenda. Allocate a time to each subject proportional to its relative importance.

During the Meeting

• Start on time. There is no substitute.
• Assign timekeeping and note-taking responsibilities. Keep posted on the time remaining and the amount behind schedule if any.
• Start with and stick to the agenda. “We’re here to…The purpose of this meeting is…The next point to be decided is…”
• Manage interruptions. Allow interruptions for emergency purposes only.
• Accomplish your purpose. What was the specific purpose of the meeting-to analyze a problem, to generate creative alternatives, to arrive at a decision, to inform, to coordinate? Was it accomplished?
• Restate conclusions and assignments to insure agreement and to provide reinforcement or a reminder.
• End on time. Adjourn the meeting as scheduled so that participants can mange their own time. Placing the most important items at the start of the agenda insures that only the least important will be left unfinished.
• Use a meeting evaluation checklist as an occasional spot check. Questions should be answered by each participant before leaving. Was the purpose of the meeting clear?
  • Was the agenda received in advance?
  • Were any materials essential for preparation also received in advance?
  • Did the meeting start on time? If not, what happened?
  • Was the agenda followed adequately, or was the meeting allowed to wander from it unnecessarily?
  • Was the purpose achieved?
  • Were assignments and deadlines fixed where appropriate?
  • Of the total meeting time, what percentage was not effectively utilized? What occurred?

  The evaluations, signed, should be collected for the chairperson’s immediate review.

After the Meeting

• Send the minutes out quickly. Concise minutes should be completed and distributed within 48 hours at the outside. If people can rely on receiving well-written minutes, those who really aren’t needed will be freed from attending. Minutes are also a reminder and a useful follow-up tool, as shown in the next suggestion.
• Ensure that progress reports are made and decisions executed. Provide follow-up to ensure the implementation of decision and checks on progress where warranted. Uncompleted actions should be listed under “Unfinished Business” on the next meeting’s agenda.

This article gives a summary of six basic steps you can take toward the effective resolution of conflict in your organization. Practiced consistently, these steps offer a way to avoid needless debate and conflict and move quickly to the resolution of differences.

Step One – Defining the problem in terms of needs (not competing solutions): First, state the problem in a way that does not communicate blame or judgment. Making “I” statements is one effective way of stating a problem in non-judgmental, non-punitive way. After you have made a problem statement, or delivered an “I” statement, begin actively listening so you can empathize with the other person’s feelings and needs. Ask clarifying questions so that you can understand his/her side of the problem. Before going to Step 2, be sure both of you accept the definition of the problem.
Step Two – Generating possible solutions (without evaluating them yet): Creativity enters into the process at this point as you both brainstorm all possible solutions to the problem. All solutions must meet the criterion of meeting both your needs in solving the problem.

Step Three – Evaluating and testing the various solutions: At this point, honesty is essential. Which of the solutions will work best? Which has the best chance of being carried out by both of you? If necessary, rethink the situation and come up with additional solutions.

Step Four – Deciding on a mutually acceptable solution: Both of you must make a commitment to one solution. To do this, neither should use power or persuasion; both must freely choose to implement the solution. The solution you agree to probably should be written down so there will be less chance of misunderstanding what is to be done.

Step Five – Implementing the solution: Carrying out the solution generally means talking about who is to do what by when. Trust that the other person will carry out his or her part of the agreement is essential. However, if the solution is not implemented, you have another problem that can be processed in the same way; if it is not implemented, you may have to confront the other person with an “I” statement about his or her lack of action.

Step Six – Evaluating the solution: If a weakness in the solution becomes apparent, you may have to re-process the problem. It should be understood that all decisions are open to re-evaluation and modification.

The following skills and approaches are effective in supporting this problem-solving process:

• Active listening
• Clear and honest communication
• Respect for the needs of others
• Trust
• Being open to new information
• Persistence
• Firmness in your unwillingness to fail
• Refusal to revert to win/lose or lose/lose scenarios

How Do You Manage Your Investments?

When I am “invested in being right”—I can only suffer negative dividends. The dividend for this type of investment yields a loss of my sense of self. And I often find myself alone and out in the cold with my little portfolio of “I was right” stocks, “I tried to tell you” money markets, and the “if you had only listened to me” mutual funds.

How can I pick winning stocks for my emotional portfolio? How can I communicate more clearly my intent of purpose without portraying myself with a Martha Stewart Dominatrix personality? How do I make my communication style like that of E. F. Hutton since when “he speaks, people listen”.

Consider the stages in the “investment in being right” cycle.

Stage One—Manage My Feelings

I must remember when managing my emotions I am not controlling my emotions. The only self-control that I can invoke is the management or choice to manage all the emotions which are available to me. Einstein’s theory of relativity does not apply here, for every action there does not have to be a separate and equal reaction.

For example, I am in a meeting with my peers and one of them comments I should be able to produce more revenue from the departments I am responsible for than I am currently producing. And I think to myself, as I assume a defensive stance, “The nerve of that moron, who in the heck does she/he think she/he is. Maybe she/he should “clean up” her/his own backyard and stay out of my business.” I easily become so “emotionally invested” in the comment I lose my sense of self. I choose to indulge this comment by responding with a resounding, “Whatever, Clown!” My “transaction” has been put into play.

I could stop this cycle here by slowing down and processing my feelings—this means writing my feelings down, distinguishing them from my thoughts and seeing how feelings affect my thoughts. I can ask myself in this stage, “What am I being defensive about?” “How am I investing
in being upset with another person, and focusing on that person?” I can focus back on myself, process my feelings, and ask how I can communicate respectfully and responsibly with the other person to clarify what is needed. I can then take action from a grounded place rather than a reactive place.

I don’t and instead, I leave the meeting ready and willing to enter Stage Two.

Stage Two—Tell me How You Really Feel

Stage Two is a busy place. It is filled with risky behaviors that guarantee negative return on my investment in being right. I can double my payoff in the “numb out your feelings” scam. I can beat the bank by playing, “Obsession Roulette”. I can spend hours trading obsessive thoughts with myself and with my friends.

Or I can STOP the obsession and ask myself this question: “What’s the payoff for this type of thinking?” “How much am I willing to spend for my first class ticket to the “World of Arrogance”?” Arrogance is a destructive choice to manage my emotions and what, when, how and where I think about people, places, things and situations.

My peer’s comment to me in the meeting could have been “debited” differently. I cannot change her/his statement to me, only my response to her/his statement. By exercising this payment option, I manage to keep a positive balance in my own emotional bank account.

Stage III—WhattsamattaMe and Lady Sings the Blues

When my obsessive thoughts keep multiplying I am now in a Bull Market economy. I am so focused on the comments of others I spiral into a state of increasing negativity and self doubt. I have not really taken time to examine my feelings and process them. I am heavily invested and I cannot see my way out of debt. I am headed for a great depression. My head hurts, I feel tired, and I am out of energy, just like Enron. My tank is empty. I have three more meetings today. I am destroyed and invested in resentment. I am not tired, I am plain angry with my peer and myself. I need to turn myself around when I get into this depth of negativity. I can now focus on:

A Cure for What Ails Me

When my focus is on others, I must ask myself, “What is my Part?” And I must ask myself, “How are my feelings propelling me into judgment?” And when I can’t answer these questions and I am still feeling angry with myself, I need to consider my stock options. I can:

1. Write down my feelings and thoughts.
2. Call someone who can help me clarify/identify my obsessive thoughts.
3. Consult my peers who will support me into taking proactive actions.\
4. Eat Humble Pie.

I can also remember to manage my emotions. I can be compassionate to myself first, then others. I can remember compassion means to have passion, as well as anger and can include many emotions. All of these emotions are part of my portfolio. They are available to me in response to any comment. I will invest in myself in order for me not lose my self. I will make good choices and earn myself big dividends.

Control: verb.  T0  regulate or direct; to exercise authority over; to restrain.  Webster’s New World Dictionary.

Control:  verb 1. (To hold in check) Constrain, repress, master.  2. (To direct)  lead, rule, dominate, direct, determine, conquer, conduct, administer, supervise, run, coach , head, dictate, ,manage, influence, prevail, domineer, constrain, charge, subdue, push, coerce, oblige, train, limit, officiate, drive, move, regulate, take over, “rule the roost,”  “crack the whip,” “ call the signals.”  Webster’s New World Thesaurus.

Control:  noun. A desire to restrain the efforts of other and being unaware that I have no power or control over what others do.

Growing up, my family and home seemed to be in a constant state of disorder, discomfort and filled with unending tasks to kept the six children and two adults moving forward from day to day.  As the oldest of my siblings, I learned early to focus on other’s needs, problems and issues.  I took on the job of making everyone happy and keeping the peace.  If there was a problem, I must fix it right away or better yet, I leaned that I could take action to prevent problems, by managing and coercing my siblings and their behavior.

I craved recognition and validation from my parent s and received little.  The attention or responses I did get were focused on how I could do my task faster or better, or “Why didn’t you….?”  Thus, I began to believe that if I worked very hard, very quickly and very efficiently and if I controlled my environment and scope of responsibility, then I might get an “Atta girl” or” Way to go!”

I could survive a long time on a small amount of recognition.

My parent’s expectations were that there be a schedule, that the house be in some order and that there be some level of quiet and no fighting.  In order for me to achieve these goals, I began to manipulate and control, give orders, direction and repeat myself over and over to get the results I wanted.  In my need to control, I lost my creativity and found that I began to suffer from option anorexia.  There were only one or two says to make something happen and I didn’t try anything else.  I didn’t ask for help or ideas as after all, my way was tested and it worked.  My control behaviors kept me sane and they became my internal set of rules.  I found that I had lots of rules.

These controls habits moved into adulthood with me and they moved here with me from Wisconsin to Texas.  When I am focused on controlling people, processes and things, I become emotionally disconnected.  I work myself to exhaustion.  As I begin to feel tired, I look for quick fixes to give me a physical or mental boost and the fix I seek is taking on another project that I can control.  This projects fills me with the hope that I will get some recognition so that I am able to feel good, valued, recognized, human and that I can offset feeling abandoned, angry, tired, anxious or whatever else I am feeling that is uncomfortable and I don’t want to take responsibility for or feel.Recently, I created a situation which negatively affected a team of people I work with.  I volunteered to participate as a facilitator in a group learning activity.  I had been the recipient of the group learning activity in the past and felt sure that I could present the learning material and facilitate the learning exercises.  Then I volunteered to team up with another member to do an oral presentation.  In the period of time while I was working with my two respective partners on the two different presentations, I became focused on the fact that I had to be successful in these presentations.  I wrote long, detailed notes for the group learning activity and exercises.  When I actually presented with my partner, I was overly focused on the directions and notes I had written and emotionally disconnected from the participants.  I was no longer spontaneous.  I was rigid and mechanical in my presentation.  I possessed no flexibility.  My voice was monotone and my overall attitude lacked energy.  Fortunately for the participants, my partner was emotionally connected, spirited, energetic and more flexible and she salvaged the exercise by drawing in another more experienced and emotionally connected facilitator.

My partner in the oral presentation of an article fared no better.  Again I wanted to be successful and lauded by my peers for the contribution I was making.  As I began to work on my portion of the presentation I began to feel unsure of myself and I became blocked to the material.  My creativity disappeared.  I leaned on my partner for feedback that what I had written and was going to present was on target.  I wrote several drafts and went over them with him.  I expressed my neediness by requiring extra time and meetings to go over the material.  I recognized how well done his portion was and I attempted to emulate his style.  In my need to gain recognition, I became emotionally disconnected from my working partner, and the richness of the material we were to present.  I failed to recognize that I was over my head with this assignment and went ahead anyway.  The day of the presentation, my working partner brought his emotional connection to the group with confidence, well presented content, and a sense of humor.  I was emotionally disconnected from the group I was speaking to and I was disconnected from the material. I failed to see that part of my remarks were inappropriate to the message.   I failed to see the participant’s restlessness when I was speaking and take action to amend my behavior, and take any action on their behalf.  I failed to recognize that my portion of the presentation was of poor quality.  Later I realized that my poor performance detracted from my partner’s well done presentation.  I felt terrible and sad that I had impacted my team, my partner and the participants. I was so invested in seeking recognition that I controlled my process and failed to ask for help.  It never occurred to me that I could ask for someone else to take over the presentation.  I felt a great need to be perfect, to be accepted and to be recognized.

By controlling, I create a cycle which cuts me off from relationships and people.  I stop feeling my feelings.  I no longer recognize boundaries for my self or for others.  I direct and become autocratic.  I allow people to assign me more projects or I volunteer for more.  I affect the people I am around in negative ways.  I am so tired or over-stimulated and so disconnected that I can’t remember details and I call people for information that they have already given me.  I misplace things, items, and notes.  I take much longer to process information and directions.  I become needy (which I fail to recognize) and seek reassurance that I am doing something “the right way” instead of making a decision, taking action, and taking responsibility. I fail to recognize that the other person(s) I am working with or spending time with have ideas, concerns or needs and I disregard them.  I may give excessive directions on how to do something.  I become closed to the possibility that there are other ways to accomplish the project, plan the menu,  have fun, etc. I am emotionally unavailable to the people I am around.  I interrupt them, I think about something else while they are talking, I fail to consider what they are saying, and I fail to take any suggestion that may be made.  I overlook material or information they provide. I fail to attend their activities, meetings.  I place higher value on what I am doing, thinking, saying and disrespect and disregard all others.  I am inflexible, arrogant, and self-centered.  My attitude becomes negative and I become critical and judgmental. I fail to take care of my self by eating on time, by resting, by taking breaks, or relaxing.  I give up the activities I find relaxing.

After I have alienated the people around me, I wonder why they don’t call me, don’t include me, and don’t listen to me.  I fail to see my actions and begin to think, act, and speak as a victim.  I become angry and resentful and more controlling.

Today I realize that my control behaviors were and are related to long-standing feelings of abandonment, futility, powerlessness, and helplessness. These control behaviors have become familiar to me and they are habitual.  I begin controlling around people, places, and things that are not my responsibility. I realize how harmful these behaviors are to others and to myself.  I realize that my attitudes and actions amount to dominance.

Today I can learn what is and is not my responsibility.  By understanding that “I can’t control it”, I give myself permission to take care of myself.  I can ask myself “How important is this?” I can increase my efforts to keep the focus on myself.  I realize I can do only my part.

I didn’t know I was a hoarder until I heard someone talk about saving al the used pieces of soap that were too small to shower with to form a bigger piece. Well, I didn’t do that. I would attach all the small pieces that broke onto a new bar of soap. This way I reasoned, nothing would be wasted. I did not realize the insanity of my actions.

This awareness led me to see the cracked plates, chipped bowls, and disposal-mangled silverware that I kept were also another symptom of my hoarding and clutter. I used to think these items were still useful. I rationalized that as long as I didn’t use the cracked plate in the microwave it would be okay or if I used the cracked bowl for myself while my guests used the good bowls, I wasn’t being harmful. What I failed to see was that in holding onto these items I was not creating the space for new things to come in. I was nurturing a poverty attitude. I was also demonstrating low self-worth when I continued to use items that I wouldn’t let other people use. I had to learn self-care and self-love.

It was easy for me to throw away the cracked plates and chipped bowls with my newfound awareness. I reminded myself that I deserve better. It took me several years more to see the other areas of clutter in my life and house: the disorganized cabinets, unread magazines that I saved because I would get to them one day, and the paper and receipts I kept because I may need them one day.

In my house I like my things to be put away. I lived below my expectations. I rarely invited people over because I had to clean and was ashamed of the clutter I lived in. When I cleaned, I stuffed paper and magazines in bags and stuck them behind doors and couches. I calculated that people would not look behind these places. I was not aware that my behavior was driven out of fear of what people thought of me. The clean space would not last.

In recovery from hoarding and clutter I’m learning I cannot live life for others. I practice the 3 A’s. First I become aware of my hoarding or clutter behavior; then I must accept my awareness and process my feelings around it to see what comes up. Sometimes what I learn is this is another facet of my poverty attitude, lack mentality, or self-abuse. I must take action to de-clutter and clean. I need a clean, peaceful environment to nurture myself and not just to look good to others.

My closets are still filled with boxes and clutter; however, I recognize this is a journey and a process. I’ve started with organizing all my cabinets by buying shelves, bins, and baskets to store items. Today when I open my cabinets I feel a rush of pride that everything is organized and I can see what I have. I feel self cared for.

I still have a problem with hoarding scraps of paper or articles. I fear that I’ll need this information one day. I have boxes of articles from high school that I’m still waiting to read. I know this is insane. My hoarding is tied to my insecurity and belief that I’m not smart enough, that I need to read everything to be smart, and that I need to keep everything because I don’t believe I’ll remember. In “Stop Clutter From Stealing Your Life,” the author writes, “Our hoarding is an outward manifestation of our inward feelings. By leaving the visible clutter for later, we just keep reinforcing our feelings of powerlessness.”

Today I’m working on creating the space that I want to live in. It is an ongoing project. I’m in recovery and healing my self-love and self-worth. I learn through my sponsor and other people in recovery what caring for myself is. I know when piles begin to grow I need to check-in with myself to see how I’m feeling. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I’m surrounded by clutter again or that my closet is still full of junk and I’m fooling no one. “Stop Clutter From Stealing Your Life” says, “Feelings of failure when confronting our clutter are common.” What I remind myself of is that I’m making progress in taking care of myself, that I’m not perfect, and the transformation will not take place overnight, but over a period of time. I remind myself that I am not my clutter and I deserve to live a quality life free from physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual clutter.

Sarcasm is often justified by saying, “I was only joking or teasing.” However, the intent does not matter.  The outcome is what matters.  Sarcasm is hurtful to the person receiving as well as the one delivering the message.  Sarcasm is the use of words or remarks in an ironic manner. Sarcasm has often become a negative habit and a way to not deal with items directly.  Sarcasm can also be a way to refuse to find ways to be lighthearted and humorous in an appropriate way. When sarcasm is practiced in an organization, sarcasm supports socially unjust acts which mar relationships and can result in discrimination toward a person or group. Remember sarcasm is defined as “cutting the flesh” or “tearing the flesh”.  Sarcasm is “the use of bitter or wounding remarks.”  This tears away trust and destroys communication, relationships and teams.

Teasing is attempting to make fun of another person in a “playful” manner; however, teasing ends up being unkind or annoying to the person receiving the comment. Joking can also create difficulties.  Joking is defined as “a statement said or done to excite laughter; a witticism or jest; a ridiculous statement, person, or circumstance or poke fun at.”  Joking also can be hurtful and harmful to another.

Possible Reasons for People to Participate in Sarcasm

1. Even though sarcasm is a sad way to get involved, people participate in sarcasm to be included.
2. People get attention by doing sarcasm and when sarcasm becomes an accepted norm in an organization, unfortunately people get positively reinforced for sarcasm.
3. Since people often have difficulty dealing with emotions in situations and relationships, they may deal with their emotions indirectly by participating in sarcasm.  This prevents people from dealing directly with people, processing their feelings and then finding resolution to their conflicts or differences of opinion.
4. Sarcasm feeds third-party communication or gossip.
5. When sarcasm is an accepted norm in the organization, practicing sarcasm becomes a “right of passage” in the organization.  In other words, sarcasm is expected and is a way people are to communicate.  This is another way of saying, “I want to be accepted” and I will participate in sarcasm.
6. When the person is sarcastic, this may prevent the person from being able to address the individual directly. The person being talked about is unable to do anything about the comments.  This becomes frustrating to the person being focused upon since there is “no way to fight back.”  Sarcasm is a form of “sick politics.”
7. Some people will rationalize sarcasm by saying Sarcasm is a way to vent when the job is stressful and “what’s wrong with dark humor?” Both contribute to the ISMS.  Sarcasm also does not encourage the person to learn how to process their feelings and focus themselves.
8. “Well, sarcasm may be safer than “throwing rocks.”  This is a sarcastic statement in itself.  We need to find more productive ways to communicate.
9. Sarcasm can be a way to” tear someone down to make themselves feel better.” Tearing someone else down feeds self-defeating behaviors in the person who does the sarcasm.  This is not a winning approach.
10. Sadly, people use sarcasm as a way to “tell the truth or what I believe without consequences.”  This supports people in not developing respectful and effective ways to communicate.  There are consequences for sarcasm and not expanding my knowledge about ways to communicate with others.

What are Ways To Communicate Effectively, Process my Feelings and even Find Ways to be Humorous and Light-hearted

Consider the following statements, as well as ways to turn around the statements in the previous list. These are suggestions meant to stimulate your thoughts about other ways to express humor.

Humor—“the quality of being amusing; the ability to perceive or express humor; facetious, comic.”  “The quality of being laughable or comical:  finally saw the humor of the situation.”

Communicate and Communication—“to make known; put into words; give expression to, as by gestures, facial aspects, or bodily posture; to interact with another or others in a meaningful fashion.”

Emotions and Emotional—“a strong subjective response” such as love, sadness, etc.  “Stirred by emotions; relating to, arising from, or appealing to the emotions.”

Feelings—“intuitive cognition; (similar definitions to emotions); an act of touching; a particular sensation conveyed by words; a general impression produced by a predominant quality or characteristic; stirred by emotions.”  “Emotions are expressed in feeling words such as mad, glad, sad, happy, etc.”

“Participation is the key to harmony.” This phrase is true of any effective organization. To be effective, employees need to actively participate in their organizations and support participation as a central value of the workplace.

Individuals need to accept they are responsible for speaking up and participating in the events that occur in their organizations. This means describing their perceptions to those they work with. If employees choose to not to speak up, they become victims to the system. This does not lead to harmony or cohesiveness. All employees have more power and authority then they may recognize. Every employee does work that contributes to the system being successful. An employee who does not speak up and victimizes themselves becomes a “weak link.” Weak links clog up the system. This wastes time and energy.

Each employee needs to find the courage to speak up when needed, the maturity to keep silent when being confronted, and the ability to truly listen to the other person’s point of view. There is an exception to listening to another’s point of view: when that point of view is expressed in a destructive and attacking manner rather than constructively. If this occurs, then the employee needs to speak up and ask for the statements to be made in a different way or terminate the interaction.

Speaking up is a way to take responsibility for the self, and the way the employee thinks and feels about self affirms that the individual is responsible for her or his own life. “I can’t expect others to do for me what I can do for myself, nor do I assume responsibility for others.”

Being responsible for oneself is a form of self-management. It also requires self-management to demonstrate through one’s actions the values of the organization. “It does not matter what others do; it matters what I do.” Living the values of an organization is essential when organizations have values as a part of their strategic plan. The highest performers are the ones who exhibit values that support ethical leadership and a culturally diverse organization. How one self manages determines one’s success in the system.

In addition to taking responsibility for the self, employees need to take responsibility for participation in the team process. Doing so is essential to having effective teams in the system. This may require defining jobs through job descriptions and experiences to help clarify boundaries between individuals and the team. It is the responsibility of the employee to bring up the issues of unclear boundaries so they can be clarified.

Where the concept of participation exists in the organization, amazingly a group of diverse people can gather together, share their thoughts and feelings, have different perceptions and opinions, and reason things out for the common good.

There are two sides to participation – giving of ourselves and including others. If we give of ourselves, our opinions and our time, we become participants. Full participation leads to harmony, since there is less opposition and alienation when all of us have a chance to contribute our voice and our votes.

When employees participate and ask to participate, they are nurtured by the system. All people have a desire to belong and be heard. When employees think they belong, the organization has created a system of “caring equals.” A simple concept of participation and contribution is the willingness to commit to doing tasks and the job.

With responsibility for themselves and for their participation in the team process, employees must also be given the authority to make autonomous decisions appropriate to their roles in the organization. Without this authority employees cannot meet their responsibilities. The right of decision belongs to the trusted employee at every level of the organization — staff, executives, teams, etc. If we accept that all employees have the right to make decisions within the scope of their particular jobs, they become trusted partners not messengers. Organizations need to trust people to do what they are to do.

The right of decision means the employee has the right to proceed in the best way s/he knows and to ask for help when it is needed. When authority or a decision needs to be delegated, the employee and the manager need to participate in defining the general guidelines for the project or job. After this is done, the person doing the work needs to be able to decide on the details. The employee’s trust in self and the manager’s letting go of the details lead to trust and confidence in the employee. This supports the employee’s competence, authority and dignity. When managers ask themselves the following question, it is doubtful they will over-manage or allow over-management: “Would I like someone supervising me all the time while I am attempting to do the job?” The answer is usually no.

Delegating to meet the challenges of the work is part of any job and can make the work exciting. Unless managers and employees support these ideas, they will have rules and guide books that are outrageous and that prevent effective work from being done. Letting go and trusting is effective leadership. An employee who asks for trust and demonstrates she or he can do the work is a leader.

Delegation is an important tool for supporting the employee’s independence. Delegation also supports people learning to rely on each other. Often delegation comes from the top. All employees can serve at some point as a head of a committee or project. In these cases, they may apply the principles of delegation. Once delegation has occurred, it is important to remember that the employee to whom the work has been delegated is now responsible. When all employees have the right to participate and have the permission to do so, trust develops in the system. How positively an employee accepts delegation assists a manager in deciding how effective an employee is. It is the employee’s choice how they receive delegation from management.

Employees must also stay informed so they can make good decisions. If employees are not receiving the information they need, it is their responsibility to ask for the information they need to do their job effectively. Some information about the organization may not be needed to do an effective job. In these instances, it is the employee’s responsibility to let go of the need to have the information and move on.

Employees need to ask for or clarify their decision-making power when it is being stifled. If an employee participates and has a voice in a team process, they know they are part of the team and the decision. When an employee contributes, they know they have been included, heard and valued. “Participation makes us a part of the group rather than apart from it. The harmony created by our active, willing participation encourages others to participate.”

Creating an environment where employees participate fully and are given the authority needed to fulfill their duties is based on trusting in the integrity of others. When we trust in the integrity of others, we learn to develop guidelines, offer our best ideas for consideration, and trust each other to do the best we can. With dignity and confidence, we are more likely to rise to the occasion, be willing to lead, and create workable solutions together for whatever task is at hand. An employee who exhibits this kind of attitude and behavior will be successful.

Along with integrity, employees need to have respect for self and others. This is not forced respect similar to what we might give to an authority figure. We need to respect each other (as well as authority figures) as we ourselves want to be respected — as equals and partners in our endeavors.

When organizations support participation, responsibility, delegation, integrity, and respect, the organization fosters an environment where each person acts honorably and ethically in all their activities. This means employees will do the right thing even though no one is looking. Such organizations can be described as being democratic in thought and action.

Effective and democratic systems encourage employees to support one another when such an arrangement fosters a constructive relationship. Employees may ask the manager or take it upon themselves to serve as a supporter to another employee. This will increase the learning and growth of both individuals. Both have to agree this would be a helpful endeavor. This kind of arrangement sometimes has to be approved by a manager in some systems.

To further the development of organizations to become democratic in thought and action, it is important to challenge the leaders of the organizations to rethink the way their organization is structured. What if organizations could look at the structure of their organization as an upside down triangle with the individual employees, who make up the teams, at the top? Leaders would then be held accountable to their teams/individual employees. Delegated authority and responsibility could then be used to the greatest extent. How would the organization function? The answer is amazingly well.

One way of describing such an organization is to use the analogy of an orchestra. “There is a conductor whom we willingly follow in order to coordinate our music. Each of us has different instruments and play a different set of notes. All employees know that in order to make music (no matter what kind), rather than noise, following the conductor is necessary.” Each member is essential to the orchestra, and depending on the situation and the work being done, each member of the orchestra can act as the conductor.

James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner describe a model for leadership in their book, The Leadership Challenge, that directly supports these ideas about authority, responsibility, participation, and accountability. They describe five practices needed for exemplary leadership:

1. Model the way
2. Inspire a shared vision
3. Challenge the process
4. Enable others to act
5. Encourage the heart

These five practices are another way of describing what has been detailed in this document. Employees and managers of an organization can lead from their particular jobs, when they apply the principles described herein.

With all that has been said so far about participation, authority, responsibility, and accountability, there is another key element to a truly effective organization: creativity. Policies, procedures, job descriptions and etc. cannot cover all the things that come up in a day. Employees need the freedom and authority to use their creativity to respond to the unpredictable. Creativity leads to valuable decision-making that has a positive impact on the organization. Creativity helps to change circumstances. Whether a manager supports a particular idea or approach or not, employees can apply their ideas as they do their job. Seldom will a manager fail to support an employee that impacts the organization in a positive way.

Control:  A desire to restrain the efforts of other and being unaware that I have no power or control over what others do. ( From Blocking Techniques)

Control: verb.  to regulate or direct; to exercise authority over; to restrain.  Webster’s Mew World Dictionary

Control:  verb 1. (To hold in check) Constrain, repress, master.  2. (To direct)  lead, rule, dominate, direct, determine, conquer, conduct, administer, supervise, run, coach , head, dictate, ,manage, influence, prevail, domineer, constrain, charge, subdue, push, coerce, oblige, train, limit, officiate, drive, move, regulate, take over, “rule the roost,”  “crack the whip,” “ call the signals.”  Webster’s New World Thesaurus.

Growing up, my family and home seemed to be in a constant state of disorder, discomfort and filled with unending tasks to kept the six children and two adults moving forward from day to day.  As the oldest of my siblings, I learned early to focus on other’s needs, problems and issues.  I took on the job of making everyone happy and keeping the peace.  If there was a problem, I must fix it right away or better yet, I leaned that I could take action to prevent problems, by managing and coercing my siblings and their behavior.

I craved recognition and validation from my parent s and received little.  The attention or responses I did get were focused on how I could do my task faster or better, or “Why didn’t you….?”  Thus, I began to believe that if I worked very hard, very quickly and very efficiently and if I controlled my environment and scope of responsibility, then I might get an “Atta girl or Way to go!”

I could survive a long time on a small amount of recognition.

My parent’s expectations were that there be a schedule, that the house be in some order and that there bye some level of quiet and no fighting.  In order for me to achieve these goals, I began to manipulate and control, give orders, direction and repeat myself over and over to get the results I wanted.  In my need to control, I lost my creativity and found that I began to suffer from option anorexia.  There were only one or two ways to make something happen and I didn’t try anything else.  I didn’t ask for help or ideas as after all, my way was tested and it worked.  My control behaviors kept me sane and they became my internal set of rules.  I found that I had lots of rules.

These controls habits moved into adulthood with me and they moved here with me from When I am focused on controlling people, processes and things, I become emotionally unconnected.  I work myself to exhaustion.  As I begin to feel tired, I look for quick fixes to give me a physical or mental boost and the fix I seek is taking on another project that I can control.  This projects fills me with the hope that I will get some recognition so that I am able to feel good, valued, recognized, human and that I can offset feeling abandoned, angry, tired, anxious or whatever else I am feeling that is uncomfortable and I don’t want to take responsibility for  or feel.

Recently, I created a situation which negatively affected a team of people I work with.  I volunteered to participate as a facilitator in a group learning activity.  I had been the recipient of the group learning activity in the past and felt sure that I could present the learning material and facilitate the learning exercises.  Then I volunteered to team up with another member to do an oral presentation.  In the period of time while I was working with my two respective partners, on the two different presentations, I became focused on the fact that I had to be successful in these presentations.  I wrote long detailed notes for the group learning activity and exercises.  When I actually presented with my partner, I was overly focused on the directions and notes I had written, and emotionally disconnected from the participants.  I was no longer spontaneous.  I was rigid and mechanical in my presentation.  I possessed no flexibility.  My voice was a monotone and my overall attitude lacked energy.  Fortunately for the participants, my partner was emotionally connected, spirited, energetic and more flexible and she salvaged the exercise by drawing in another more experienced and emotionally connected facilitator.

My partner in the oral presentation of an article fared no better.  Again I wanted to be successful and lauded by my peers for the contribution I was making.  As I began to work on my portion of the presentation I began to feel unsure of myself and I became blocked to the material.  My creativity disappeared.  I leaned on my partner for feedback that what I had written and was going to present was on target.  I wrote several drafts and went over them with him.  I expressed my neediness by requiring extra time and meetings to go over the material. In my need to gain recognition, I became emotionally disconnected from my working partner and the richness of the material we were to present.  I failed to recognize that I was over my head with this assignment and went ahead anyway.  I was so invested in seeking recognition that I controlled my process and failed to ask for help.  It never occurred to me that I could ask for someone else to take over the presentation.  I felt a great need to be perfect, to be accepted and to be recognized.

By controlling, I create a cycle which cuts me off from relationships and people.  I stop feeling my feelings.  I no longer recognize boundaries for my self or for others.  I direct and become autocratic.  I allow people to assign me more projects or I volunteer for more.  I affect the people I am around in negative ways.  I am so tired or over-stimulated and so disconnected that I can’t remember details and I call people for information that they have already given me.  I misplace things, items, and notes.  I take much longer to process information and directions.  I become needy (which I fail to recognize) and seek reassurance that I am doing something “the right way” instead of making a decision, taking action and taking responsibility. I fail to recognize that the other person(s) I am working with or spending time with have ideas, concerns or needs and I disregard them. My attitude becomes negative and I become critical and judgmental. I fail to take care of my self by eating on time, by resting, by taking breaks, or relaxing.  I give up the activities I find relaxing.

Today I realize that my control behaviors were and are related to long standing feelings of abandonment, futility, powerlessness, and helplessness. These control actions have become familiar to me and they are habitual.  I begin controlling around people. Places, and things, that are not my responsibility. I realize how harmful these behaviors are to others and how destructive these behaviors are to me.  I realize that my attitudes and actions amount to dominance.  I am beginning to recognize that when I repeat myself over and over , I am no longer expressing myself, but using words to control others.

Today I can learn what is and is not my responsibility.  By understanding that “I can’t control it”, I give myself permission to take care of myself.  I can ask myself “How important is this? I can increase my efforts to keep the focus on myself. I can do only my part.

My name is Sheila and I have been a community member of Cloud-Rainosek & Associates (CRA) for 5 years.  I am 40 years old and work as a licensed professional counselor for a non-profit agency.  I remember learning about this group through a good friend of mine, and at the time I did not know what to expect from the experience.  I felt unsure and doubtful when I started attending the weekly sessions, not knowing about the intense learning and emotional growth that was soon to follow!

Since August 2005, I have participated in an amazing and worthwhile group experience filled with enthusiasm, excitement and passion.  Prior to my joining the group process of CRA, I was a more depressed, stressed and anxious person.  I felt doubtful about speaking up in my relationships.  I did not know how to manage and express my feelings.  I had distorted beliefs about myself and others, and thought that things needed to be a certain way.  I did not know about my own addictive processes and how I was harming myself and others.  I was self-abusive and often would punish myself with destructive tirades in my head.  Some of my personal and professional relationships were quite strained, and I had more anger and resentment in my life. I blamed others and could not see how I was impacting events in my life.

Since becoming a member of CRA, my work relationships with co-workers and clients have improved.  I now let go of what is outside of my power.  I speak up honestly to others without worrying about “hurting their feelings.”  My relationships with others flow smoothly without my trying to assume their thoughts and feelings in interactions with me.  I outwardly show my appreciation and thankfulness.  I feel less fearful and shy in my relationships as well.  I set healthy limits with myself in how long I work during an average work day, as well as how hard I work while I am there.  I say “no” to others without feeling guilty or having to make up for my response later.  And, I have increased confidence in myself.  I feel comfortable being myself and expressing myself around others.  I have meaningful and rich experiences with others and feel grateful for the parts of my life that bring me joy.

As I reflect on some of my past behavior and beliefs, I feel sad about how much time and energy I invested in destructive patterns and motives.  I carried my worn-out belief systems for years without knowing the harmful impact on myself and my significant relationships.  I now realize my world is open to healthier decision-making.  I support myself and others in being happy and successful.  I can proudly say I have acquired new awarenesses and skills that have increased my general well-being and outlook.   I feel thankful and appreciative for having the opportunity to participate in such a dynamic environment.